You Don't Always Need to Talk about It

You don't get married to solve problems. Sure, solving problems is part of marriage and if you do it as a team you're going to be happier, but this is not the reason you got together in the first place. You most likely got together because you talked like friends, you had fun together and you wanted to be exclusively sexual with each other. The problem with many marriages is that after a while you stop talking like friends (i.e., you only do "problem talk"), you stop having fun together (i.e., you fall into the same old ruts and routines), and your sexual relationship becomes more and more mundane.

All Talk and No Fun

According to a How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It, by Dr. Pat Love (yes, that's her real name) and Dr. Steven Stosney, it is possible to kill off a lot of the good times in a marriage by talking too much. While talking can be soothing to women, it may have the opposite impact on men. Stosney notes that talking about feelings can create physical discomfort for men. "There's literally more blood flow to their muscles. They get fidgety, and women think they're not listening."  So while it's necessary to communicate well in order to solve the inevitable challenges in marriage, too much talk can also be a problem, shoving those loving feelings right out the window.

Keeping love alive does not mean avoiding topics or issues that continue to sabotage your relationship. These need to be dealt with safely so they don't continue to pump negative energy into your shared space creating chaos when you least expect it. It does imply, however, that talking is not the only, or sometimes even the best way to stay connected.  Many find shared activity without a lot of conversation more helpful.

Love Style: Yours, Mine and Ours

There are many ways to show and experience love. My mate, for instance, feels really loved when we work on a project or activity together. He actually categorizes "mowing the lawn together," him pushing his mower and me pushing mine, as couple time.  When he digs rocks out of the flower bed, he likes it if I'm right there sweating along side him, heaving stones into buckets and hauling them away in the wheelbarrow. It doesn't feel very romantic to me, but the smile on his face when we relax in the shade, sip ice tea, and review the progress we made together lets me know he feels loved. As we discuss our hopes and dreams for yard improvement, I feel loved too.

Try New Things

The longer the two of you are together, the more likely you are to fall into predictable ruts that provide a comfortable routine, but fail to generate the excitement and romance many couples crave—at least every now and then. Studies suggest couples who keep themselves open to new experiences and learning opportunities are more likely to preserve or reignite the "in love" feeling they enjoyed in the early days of their relationship. The active couple might want to try reading a book together, taking a cooking class, or attempting a painting class. A more sedentary couple might consider short hikes, bike riding or a dance class. The important thing is that it's new and both are willing to give it a try. If one or both enjoy the activity, they've both gained a new way to have fun. If either objects, the couple can continue to pursue other options until they discover activities both enjoy. Being willing to risk new experiences keeps fun alive and romance simmering.

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