What to Do When Your Child is Afraid

Ask my brother and sister. They’ll tell you. As a child, I was terrified of storms. It all started around the time I watched The Wizard of Oz at about the age of six. Not long after that, I became aware that tornados were real and they could blow away your house. Over time I became rather obsessed with the thought, reading newspaper articles about tornados and how many people died or were injured, listening to weather updates on television and the radio, and anxiously scanning the skies when storm clouds gathered. In rather short order my fear generalized to fearing the sound of the wind, which was quite unfortunate given that we lived in a large, old farm house that rattled and clattered with even a modest breeze. On windy nights I had great difficulty sleeping, even though few storm clouds were in sight.

My parents insisted that I stay in the upstairs bedroom I shared with my sister, but long after everyone else was asleep I often huddled on the stair steps for hours listening to the wind whistling around our house, wishing I could sleep but feeling terrified to put my head on the pillow. My parents, especially my father, tried about everything he could think of to help me overcome this terror—including punishing me, but not much worked. The thing is, although fear is sometimes an irrational response to a false threat, this doesn’t mean you can simply talk or reason your way out of it. When the amygdala (the seat of one’s emotions) is in control, the part of the brain with which one reasons (i.e., the frontal cortex), is simply not available for logical decision-making. This presents a dilemma for parents who want to help their children confront and endure unpleasant experiences, but who also recognize their child’s terror.

Kindergarten Immunizations

My daughter faced just such a circumstance when she took her five-year-old twins to the pediatrician for the immunizations they needed to enter kindergarten. This visit required four shots, so she tried to prepare them ahead of time for what they could expect, especially in light of a previous visit requiring an injection that had not gone at all well. One child performed beautifully with only a little whimpering on the fourth shot. The other became a basket case, cowering in the corner and eventually requiring three adults to hold her down while she got her shots, including her embarrassed and somewhat traumatized mother.

“What should I have done?”
“Should I do anything differently?”
“Should you punish a child for behaving badly when they’re obviously afraid?”

These were the questions she had for me when she called me later. I couldn’t help but think of my own fears as a child, as well as the many concerned parents I’ve talked with over the years regarding how to deal with a fearful child. One part of us wants to calm and comfort them. Another part realizes that they must learn to face and overcome some of their fears, no matter how uncomfortable. Still another part of us may even be embarrassed or frustrated with their behavior—especially if it occurs in a public setting or becomes a problem for us, e.g. disrupting our sleep or making us late for work.

Facing the Fear

There are a number of strategies that might be employed, but here are a few brief ideas I share with concerned parents.

1) Recognize that your child is not trying to make your life miserable or difficult. He or she is simply responding in a very childlike way to something feared. Remember, fear is sometimes, but not always a rational response.

2) Help your child learn to be brave by rewarding and praising brave behavior. It’s much better to reward and encourage your child to be brave than to punish and/or humiliate them for being scared. You simply cannot punish the “scared” out of a child. You might only succeed in getting them to fear you more than they fear the thing that disturbs them—but now they’re angry with you as well.

3) Accept that bravery happens over time and be patient. It took years, but I eventually overcame my fear of windy nights and became able to confine my fears to an actual threat of severe weather. I had to work at it, just like people have to work at overcoming a fear of things that may interfere with life and work, like flying, public speaking, and heights. They have to be willing to put themselves in uncomfortable situations and endure the accompanying anxiety long enough and often enough to learn that they will not die. In fact, over time, they will likely be able to master their fears and possibly even enjoy something they once found threatening.

4) Help your child learn strategies to cope. Breathing and counting exercises often help people calm down and refocus on something besides possible pain and discomfort. Information about a real threat versus a perceived threat can also be helpful. Distraction can be useful. The main idea here is that focusing our thoughts on one thing prevents us from concentrating all our thoughts on another, i.e., the potential pain or threat. Sometimes children may even have ideas of their own as to what to do, but the key ingredient is to practice, practice, practice, well in advance.

There’s no doubt about it. Life can be scary at times for kids and adults. We can’t keep our children from everything they fear—nor should we even try, but we can help them learn ways to be brave. It’s an important step to growing up.

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